You’re Going to Die…

So, how do you wish to live?

For the first thirty-three years of my life, death scared the crap out of me. Funerals gave me the creeps. Open caskets??? Forgetabout it. I would sum up my relationship as denial rather than “arguing with reality.”

But things started to change as I waited for the airlift to take me to the trauma center. I couldn’t believe what was happening, and it was clear in my mind that my life wasn’t supposed to end this way, but my script had no alternative ending. I hadn’t gotten to that part yet.

The idea of asking myself how I wanted to die seemed morbid, and since I survived my accident, my focus shifted to my recovery. Dodging that bullet, I thought I could worry about this death thing later.

Fast forward to the pandemic. My mom passed away in June 2021 after a ten-year health decline, and she, at least with me, never wanted to talk about how she wanted to die. It was too negative. The experience tore our family apart as we kicked the can down the road to her last six months. As I sat with her in hospice on her last day, I could only imagine she didn’t want to die this way. It was so avoidable.

A couple of months ago, one of our Pause Breathe Reflect app community members, who is living with Stage IV breast cancer, asked me to record a few meditations related to the Buddhist meditation practice of remembering that death can strike at anytime, called Maranasati. Instead of reading the text, she wants to listen to my voice while reflecting on the meditations.

At first, I struggled to record these because I needed time to reflect. But over the last several weeks, I did a deeper dive and finally felt ready to record the meditations last week and have a few more to do tomorrow.

I’ve stayed clear of thinking about my end because I wasn’t satisfied with how I was living. I wasn’t at peace. There was too much to do before I felt ready to do everything I wanted to do in life. It was easier to ignore, deny, or believe that dying was something that other people do.

But my accident was a “Psst, Michael, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE!” PSA, which helped me clarify how I wanted to live. As a family, we committed to over-indexing on experiences versus stuff.

I don’t know what happens when we die. I don’t believe in reincarnation because there’s a little too much ego in the concept. I’m not sure that we all head up to the sky, but I do like to think that our energy is all around us, but I wonder if it’s released if we are locked in an urn – things that make you go hmmm.

While I’m unclear on what happens after we die, I try to live with the acceptance that nobody is promising tomorrow despite how many plans I make. I certainly don’t want to pass away with any of the regrets hospice nurse and author Bronnie Ware shares in her book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying – A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing.

If we’ve learned anything over the three-plus years of the pandemic and extreme weather, it should be that life is uncertain. Whoever fills your M.U.G. (Mother Earth, The Universe, or God) is no longer whispering. They’re shouting – “This gift we provided, there are no guarantees, folks!”

In one of the meditations I recorded, you can reflect on the ripple you’ve created, where you are, and who’s with you as you visualize yourself at the end of life. The practice continues with thought-provoking questions on how you might feel and what you might do if you knew you would die in ten years, five years, one year, one month, or tomorrow.  It’s a meaningful, albeit heavy practice.

There’s some hedging that is required, at least for me. It doesn’t seem responsible to tackle every desire when I visualize not being here one month from now. Experiences cost money, and I have a life we’ve created to attend. But, I’m careful to balance responsibility with the reality that an accident, diagnosis, or something else might pay a visit before realizing my dreams.

When I rode across the country last year, I received many messages about being careful. People worried that I would get hit and die, but they never said the D word. I appreciate everyone who reached out, but the life I’m committed to living is one where I’m more fearful of not living than dying, which means making sure the people I love know that I love them, creating a ripple I would be proud of, and accepting the impermanence of life.

It also includes talking about the party we will have when I pass. Folks will wear orange (I know it’s not an easy color to pull off), sunflowers will be everywhere, lemonade will flow freely, and I will have one last kick-ass milkshake.

How about you?

How do you wish to be living?

If yes, awesome sauce.

If not, you have a chance to take one small step toward your wish today.