The Shallot: Signal, Women’s Equal Pay Day, Adolescence, and Resilience
Welcome to The Shallot, your not-so-reliable source for the news that makes you laugh so you don’t cry (and sometimes cry while you’re laughing) from the publishers of The Ripple Effect.
In this issue, we unpack the top-secret Signal group chat with more leaks than a colander, celebrate Women’s Equal Pay Day with 17% fewer words, unveil a new Canadian anthem that Canada didn’t ask for, and close things out with a surprisingly sincere take on Netflix’s latest series, Adolescence.
Study Finds 1 in 3 People Accidentally Added to Secret Group Chats
NEW YORK, NY — A new report released Friday by the Institute for Digital Mishaps (IDM) has uncovered a troubling trend: Americans are being accidentally added to group chats at an alarming rate, revealing everything from war plans and corporate secrets to Bitcoin hacks and Becky’s unfiltered thoughts on her soon-to-be-ex-husband, Todd.
According to the report, nearly 33% of smartphone users have been inadvertently added to at least one group text they were definitely not supposed to see, with the average time of being “discovered” at 42 messages containing over 100 emojis and cringy statements that people can’t unread.
“People are just out here mindlessly copy-pasting phone numbers,” said Dr. Peyton Fodown, a smartphone behaviorist and author of the soon-to-be-released book Who’s JG? What Group Chat Disorder Is Costing America.
Conspiracy theorists question the timing of this study as it comes on the heels of a now-viral incident where members of the President’s Cabinet reportedly discussed war plans on the commercial app Signal, accidentally including a journalist from The Atlantic and, as The Shallot just discovered, the manager of the Mall of America’s Orange Julius.
The unintended participants, the study found, rarely speak up immediately, often hoping the thread turns out to be more interesting than their actual lives. This leads to what researchers are now calling “The Quiet Observer Spiral,” a condition marked by not having a life and having way too much information.
Experts say smartphones have lulled users into a false sense of privacy, with many having no idea what “end-to-end encryption” actually means.
“Smartphones are dumb,” said Shelly Scrolless, a mobile UX designer. “We think we’re whispering secrets into a locked vault, but we’re basically yelling into a megaphone without realizing the peach emoji isn’t about fruit.” She adds, “Oh, yes, those privacy statements don’t mean anything. We see it all, and let me say, it’s a little disturbing.”
Experts advise: If you wouldn’t want your messages displayed on a Times Square billboard, don’t send them. And if you don’t recognize the number 290-867-5309, ask who it is before proclaiming you’re “100% with OPSEC.”
Men Celebrate Women’s Equal Pay Day by Mansplaining Why They Get Paid More for Doing the Same Work
UNITED STATES — This week, women paused to celebrate Equal Pay Day on March 25th, the symbolic date marking how far into the year they must work to earn what men do.
“This is such a special day,” said one woman while working her third Teams meeting for 83 cents on the dollar. “Nothing says, ‘we’re in this together’ like the slap in the face you get when you find out Bob makes more. And he’s an idiot.”
Of course, women of color sit back, noting their Equal Pay Day isn’t until July 10th, which is still three months before Latinas get to “celebrate.”
“This feels like that moment when everyone claps because your flight lands,” said Nicole, a Black project manager. “Except the plane landed upside down like that one did in Toronto a few weeks ago. Thanks, but no thanks.”
Meanwhile, major corporations joined the celebration by reaffirming their commitment to equality with heartfelt LinkedIn posts and zero changes to their compensation structure as they cut their DEI efforts.
One male executive said the quiet part aloud, “When you factor in things like experience, negotiation style, and how confident men look in a Patagonia vest, the numbers actually make sense.”
At press time, Bob was still making more. We could go on, but we only have 83% of the space to share this story because, well, it’s about women.
O Canada! Your mindful native land!
True impeccable love in all of us command.
With calming breaths, we see thee rise,
The True North strong and free.
From far and wide,
O Canada, we stand in peace for thee.
God keep your land glorious and free!
O Canada, we pause, breathe, and reflect for thee.
O Canada, we pause, breathe, and reflect for thee.
Elbows out my friends (mindfully, of course).
On a serious note, I recently finished watching Netflix’s new four-part series, Adolescence.
As a parent, it was hard to watch, but if you’re a parent, especially of a teenager, especially of a boy, I would recommend that you watch it.
From a cinematography perspective, it’s fascinating because it’s done in a one-take approach, which I will leave to someone else to explain.
No spoiler alerts, but the story is about every parent’s worst nightmare.
At times, I couldn’t watch but I stayed with it. If you are a fan of crime dramas, then I think you’ll love it.
But I’m recommending it to parents because it will give you something to think about and perhaps discuss with your older teenagers. It speaks to the dangers of social media, bullying, smartphones, and society at large.
If you watch it, please let me know what you think.
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As we welcome April and April Fool’s Day, I’m sharing the first copy of The Shallot. I’m a big believer in doing things that get us out of our comfort zone because it’s the only way we grow. Writing satire is a stretch for me. I hope you laughed or at least chuckled.
We live in crazy times, and I also believe in the power of laughter. It’s the daily meditation on The Pause Breathe Reflect app this Tuesday. Laughing is therapeutic, releases some good juju, and creates some space for reflection.
I also believe in these principles:
- If you screw up and spill the milk, own it, clean it up, and do better the next time. Be accountable.
- If it’s the same work, the pay should be the same. Companies and sports can use incentives to reward exceptional work.
- Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and whatever you do, don’t piss off Canada. They might be nice, but they will check you hard into the boards.
Finally, thank you to everyone who purchased one of our new CHOOSE JOY T-Shirts as we recognized Brain Injury Awareness Month. We raised over $1,000 for Love Your Brain. They help survivors of TBI feel Whole Again.
Until next week, have fun storming the castle!
Michael
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